I Surrender All...

This has been an emotionally trying month, and if you ask me, the longest month in history! The organization that our agency works with in Thailand implemented a new computer system this month... yeah, I know, seriously????? I've spent the entire month waiting and wondering and trying to figure out if and when this would be our month. I broke down and emailed the wonderful ladies at our agency a couple times, even though I knew if they had any info, they would have already told me, but it still helped me... or maybe not, but I did it anyway. So, week after week went by, with nothing, NO. NEWS. AT. ALL.... Then, on Friday, Sept. 23, I got an email from our agency asking for some certificates from our adoption training. Because I was unsure of exactly what they needed, I had to call ;-). So, of course, before hanging up, I asked, "Are we looking at another whole week????" She then asked, "You mean, for referrals?" HaHa! No, 'til Macy's puts the Christmas trees up! (I didn't say that, but I did find it to be a funny question) I just replied politely, "Yes.." "We're really hoping Monday or Tuesday.." Ok, so I gave myself a pep talk, I said, "Hey Me, you've waited this long, now you just have to wait through the weekend and then you'll know, surely if she said Monday or Tuesday, she really meant Monday at 9AM!" I should have been more realistic with myself, because Monday came and went, and I got no call... again. Out of frustration, I emailed the agency that afternoon and got a response that made for a rough evening. They told me referrals had just come in and there was only one girl, her health status was unknown, her file hadn't been opened yet. Oh brother, my "pep-talkin' self" took a hike right then and there, and I cried. We were #2, not #1, and I had no idea who #1 was and if they were waiting on a little girl. I had a pretty good little pity party for myself, then I prayed. I had felt God dealing with my heart all month (my whole life, really), because I am continually trying to figure out how things will work, or trying to make it happen myself, and the truth of the matter is, I CAN DO NOTHING, BUT HE CAN! During and after my pity party, the Lord began to speak to my heart, through scripture, through music, and through conversations with other people, and I began to feel His peace. I still felt doubt in my heart, but I would quote scripture in my mind when the doubt crept in, and I listened to LOTS of worship music and tried to focus my mind on how GREAT my GOD is! Jason continually reminded me that God is in control and He is a GOOD GOD, and to rest in that assurance, that whatever happened was part of God's ultimate plan, and we want His plan, not our's. I was stuck on Steven Curtis Chapman music this week, and one of his songs says, "There's only one who knows what's really out there waiting, and all the moments yet to be, and all we need to know is He's out there waiting, to Him the future's history...." Wow, I sang that line over and over to myself, and I found such comfort in knowing that God's got it! He really does, match or no match, He's got this under control and He already knows the outcome! So, at some point yesterday afternoon, I felt like I finally gave it all to God, I was tired, my mind was tired, my heart was tired, I couldn't try to figure it out anymore. I listened to "My Surrender" also by Steven Curtis Chapman, at least 8 times yesterday afternoon, and I just let it all out, and laid it at His feet. Later that afternoon, I had a phone conversation with my mom, and she may not have known it, but she said to me all the things that I'd been feeling, God was giving me confirmation that I was finally getting it, and for the first time, I almost (I said almost, I'm still human) felt peaceful about not matching this month. I had accepted that if it wasn't God's perfect plan, then I didn't want it yet, because I want His perfect plan for us. But then..... :-)

I was feeling very calm and preparing dinner for a dear friend's surprise birthday dinner when my phone rang, and it was the ringtone I'd set for Holt...... Talk about a major OMG moment! I went from one side of the living room to the complete opposite side in one crazy, super human jump, I think I may have actually been airborne for a bit. I answered, no longer calm, and she said, "Hi, Jennifer, How are you?" and I replied, "I don't know, you tell me..." Then she began laughing at me, and I knew, it was good news... She proceeded to tell us about a precious 7 month old baby girl that she felt was a good match for our family. She told us her story and sent us all of her paperwork to look over, and we ACCEPTED!!!! We have a beautiful baby girl waiting for us in Thailand, and she is absolutely perfect in every way. We couldn't have imagined her to be any more perfect! Needless to say, we are madly in love with her, and fall a little deeper every time we look at her picture, and that's A LOT! ;-)

Early in the day on Monday, my dad reminded me of a verse in Philippians, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God..." I've read it a million times, but I needed to hear it right then, because God needed me to let go and quit being so anxious, He wanted to me to find rest in His peace. So, Monday evening when I was feeling the most anxiety, after hearing there was only 1 girl, I prayed, "Father, I want that little girl to be mine, and I'm praying that she is, but I thank you that you're in control of this, and you already know the future,  her's and our's, so please give me peace..." He gave me that peace, and then, when I least expected it, He gave me my baby girl, and words can't even begin to express my gratitude. He is an awesome God, a faithful God, a God that NEVER FAILS, and a God that will give us His peace. I'm a stubborn student, but I'm learning that when I ask for His peace, I then have to stop trying to create it, in my own power, I have to shutup, chill out, and just accept it, because He will give it!  TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!!






We have chosen to keep our little girl's story and pictures private. We will share her pictures when she's officially our's, but until then, you'll just have to imagine how beautiful she is. So, let your imaginations run wild, because she is something else!